heartattack

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

Welcome to the second edition of DFL Indian Premier League. We are here in South Africa for the opening day of the DFL IPL and this year promises to be even better than the last.

The atmosphere today was electrifying, the crowds, great. In the words of my fellow commentary team, this IPL has been a roaring success even though only 2% of it is actually over.

Time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

It was a day of the underdog. Mumbai Indians beat favorites Chennai Super Kings and Bangalore Royal Challengers beat the current Champions Rajasthan Royals.

Unlike the run blitz in the opening games of the IPL last year, this year saw relatively low scoring games. There were far fewer DLF Maximums this year than last year. I think this year is gonna be like that as the pitches in South Africa are not as flat as their Indian cousins. My advice to teams is to not strive for DLF Maximums all the time. Instead, try for Citi Moments of Success.  It’s a much better strategy this year.

Time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Even the television broadcast of the IPL is gonna be different this year. Last year, people complained about lack of TV time prioritization with the cricket match often eating into their commercials. So this year the team has clearly allocated times for each segment of the broadcast. This allocation is illustrated below.

Hopefully this will put the complaints to rest.

Time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Another addition to IPL this year is the 7.5 minute mandatory ’strategy’ break after 10 overs every innings. Teams are supposed to get together and strategize the next 45 minutes of play. Now this is important, especially if you have patients of short term memory loss in your team who need to be reminded every 45 minutes what needs to be done.

Let me assure you that the purpose of this break is not to put more ad slots in the game. BCCI would never jeopardize the fun of the game for commercial gains.

On that note, time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Another interesting addition to the DLF IPL is the ‘Bollywood Star’ contest. In every game, a committee would choose a girl from the crowd as a potential bollywood star and after sleeping with each one of them after some competition, declare a winner who would get to star in a film with SRK i think. Now this is an excellent idea. Not only would it ensure that every woman in the crowd would give a smile as fake pretty as Shilpa Shetty’s, it would also add meaning to something cricket cameramen always did anyway - focus on a pretty girl in the crowd. Win win!

So yes, the DLF IPL promises to be wonderful for the 3 Bs - BCCI, Bollywood, and Businesses .. and yeah, of course, cricket

To conclude, time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Let’s say you live in a beautiful house! You have the prettiest woman in the world as your wife, and two adorable kids. Things are not safe in the city and so you and your neighbours decide to appoint a “neighbourhood watch committee” to look after the neighbourhood’s security and keep the local goons out.

But, what happens is that the neighbourhood watch committee joins hands with the local goons. The goons break into your house at night, break your legs, rape your wife, and abduct your kids, probably to sell them off to the guys who run begging rackets.

How would you feel? Betrayed? The very people you trusted to protect you from evil actually joined hands with the devil to make your life hell!

As sad as that may be, every 4 years some of us are betrayed the same way by our political parties.

Take for example, in 1997 Uttar Pradesh state elections,  some of us voted for the Bhartiya Janta Party not because we thought they were any good (In fact they had as many jokers as any other party), but to ward off the evil called Mayawati. But what happened? BJP joined hands with Mayawati’s BSP and the fat bitch became the Chief Minister of the state.

So my question is, is it fair to allow these parties to join hands with whoever they want? Is it fair for, let’s say, Samajwadi Party, to criticise the Congress party throughout their election campaign and then join hands with them just because Congress is the only party that has a real chance at forming the government?

Is it fair for the Right Wing Congress to join hands with the Left Parties and subjecting the country to a tug of war of policies at the top?

It defeats the very purpose of democracy when the political parties are not forced to obey their ‘pre-election’ stand after the elections.

Mulayam Singh Yadav, when questioned by CNN IBN recently on whether he’ll support Congress or not said that “I’ll decide after polls”. Why…. Why? Why? Why? How would the Congress party be any different after polls? So let me rephrase Mr Yadav’s words a little to reflect their right meaning

“Well, I would like to be the Prime Minister. But if my party and my allies are not able to get enough seats to have a real chance at the government, I’ll support whoever has the chance because power is all I care about”

So to follow up with the Right to Reject that I proposed in my previous post, I suggest that to make the democratic process more fair all coalitions be announced before the elections.

Thanks to the Congress-BJP rivalry, the country has pretty much 2 power blocks - the UPA (Congress + allies) and the NDA (BJP + allies). All political parties must decide to join one of the two blocks before the elections. If they choose to stay independent, they can, but then they would not have the choice to join the UPA or NDA after the elections. They have the choice, however, to make whatever slime cocktail they want to make among themselves.

To those who feel it makes no sense, I’ll be happy to hear why! Note that I’m not proposing a bi-party system. It’s just not possible to have that in India. If you look at it, it is more of a tri-coalition system. The system allows every vote to have the impact that the voter intended to have.

Yes, I agree this is still not foolproof. If SP and BSP do not decide to join any of the major two coalitions, then they can still form a coalition and the voter who voted for SP to keep BSP out is betrayed. To that, all I have to say is vote for a UPA or NDA affiliated party if all you want to do is to keep BSP out [better still, hope that the right to reject becomes a reality]. The important thing, however, is that there IS a way. In our existing system there isn’t.

But let’s not forget that such a system would let fewer and fewer parties to sit on the fence like they are happily doing now! They’ll have to take a stand, and stand by it throughout the course of the election and more importantly, AFTER it! So the next time I die a lemon and chillies on my doorstep to ward off evil, at least I can be assured that they won’t end up in the devil’s lemonade!

Let’s say no to these humpty dumpties. Unlike the story, they don’t fall! The nation does!

There has been enough said and written about the current crop of criminals politicians we have. A lot of us educated ones feel no one is deserving enough to be voted for. So we, of course, abstain from voting and get a (false) satisfaction that we, at least, did not partake in the election of a rodent.

But of course, by not voting, we are in a way helping the most evil of the evils. Because any vote FOR a competing candidate is a vote against the most evil one. That’s how the math works.

But sometimes, I don’t blame these people; thinking about the upcoming elections, I often ask myself who among the bunch of jokers we have as candidates do I want to vote for. Well, I’m always without an answer. One thing I know for certain, however, is who I do not want to lead this country - The blob of shit called Mayawati … a woman who’s convoy contains 36 cars, who spends millions on her statues around the capital, and has a Nazi salute for a greeting. More on the bitch in another post maybe..

So the only thing that motivates me to go to vote is to prevent her (that’s mighty polite of me to use ‘her’ to refer to Mayawati, ‘it’ is a better article) from winning.

But then, who among the competing candidates do I vote for? Logic says her toughest competitor. But that may not be easy for the common man to determine. If let’s say 100,000 of us vote for, say Congress, with the sole purpose of defeating Mayafatty, and eventually fatty wins by 90,000 votes with Samajwadi Party at #2, the 100,000 votes of ours have been wasted.

It is therefore, I suggest that the right to elect must be complimented by the right to reject. As a voter, I should be allowed to vote FOR a candidate, or vote AGAINST one. Voting against a candidate would mean - “I don’t care who wins as long as it’s not him/her.”

So how do we decide the winner in such an election? Simple.

Case 1: If there is at least one candidate that has a net positive number of votes (i.e. FOR Votes - AGAINST votes) - The winner is the candidate with the highest net number of votes.

Case 2: If no candidate has a net positive number of votes - There is no winner. The seat is considered void and not included in the final counting of the seats. This is because we can’t let a net negative candidate represent us. It is better to be not represeneted than to be represented by a pig in whites whose participation in the house will bring more harm than good. 

Of course, what if there are too many of such void constituencies? Of course, there should be a tolerance level set. So if, say more than 1/3rds of our 500 odd seats are void, then elections would have to be reheld countrywide (you cannot have re-elections in just these void constituencies as voters are likely to be influenced by the results of the other constituencies). Furthermore, the rejected candidates in the void constituencies must not be allowed to stand for elections from the same constituency for the re-election to give the voters new choices.

Why I think the right to reject is better for democracy?

• People who abstained from voting for the lack of a deserving candidate can now participate in the democratic process.
• Void seats will keep away more evil people from the parliament than the current system does. Agreed it would raise the chances of a hung election which is a costly prospect, but the cost of a bad government is a lot higher.
• It would not require of the minorities to unite and decide on a common candidate to defeat an opressive incumbent. The minority groups can, independently, fight the incumbent by rejection.
• Questionable practices like bribing the voters, or inflammatory statements against a particular group would get their due in the voting process.

Obviously, cynics are quick to argue that our democratic process does people to choose to go to the voting venue and not vote for anyone. True, but it’s not enough because our electorate system does not consider the % of people who voted. In fact, this ‘going to the voting booth but not voting’ compliments the right to reject very well. If the net number of people who do not vote for anyone is higher than the highest net positive candidate, the seat should be void.

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So what do you think? I know the right to reject will not fix everything, but it does fix a lot. Keeping the bad guys out is as important as letting the good ones in ..! So until that happens, I hope that some political party puts up a plant for elections. At least, when I vote for it, I know it’ll do no harm ..

The music CD of Delhi-6 has a mirror on the cover. The director wants to send a message, obviously. You succeed Mr Mehra because Delhi-6 the movie is a mirror of our society, especially a mirror of our relationship with God. Go watch it friends! You’ll certainly be bored by some parts, but watch it. You’ll certainly take a few things back home with you if you have even an iota of compassion or love for India.

There is a scene in Delhi-6 where an actor playing Lord Shiva on stage is dancing to entertain the chief guest of the act, the local MLA. Watching this, Abhishek Bachchan comments that ‘Even the Gods know the power of the seat’. My reaction was - I wish!

The reality, I feel, is the exact opposite. In India, religion is always above law. Here anything goes in the name of religion. Religion is the opposite of HIV. It gives you immunity against anything and everything. You can go out and rape nuns, just because they participated in the conversion of a few Hindus into Christians. You can demolish a place of worship (also a national monument) just because some dickhead said that there used to be a temple there. You can set people on fire because some members of their community tore down your place of worship a decade ago. You can block railway tracks for hours because someone allegedly said something against your Guru.

Has there been one person put behind bars for these heinous crimes? Ermm.. NO!

Let’s bring it down a notch lower - things that happen in our daily lives. How many times have you had to wait for an hour in the traffic just because some sonovabitch thinks that it is his right to go to his wedding location riding a horse with a battalion of guests high on marijuana, dancing in the middle of the road. The government imposes a fine if I don’t wear seat belts. But what about these people? Why don’t they get a fine? A fine for blocking the streets? A fine for carrying a naked electrical generator to power the atrocious lighting? A fine for dancing in the middle of a crowded road? A fine for noise pollution, thanks to the inevitably horrible singer who sounds like he’s singing from his anus. Why so? Why no fine? Just because their religion says this is how the wedding should be held? Bullshit, right?

And what about the jagrans in the middle of the road? Why the f*** are these douche-bags allowed to encroach upon the whole road just to conduct an all night prayer? What happens if there is a fire somewhere? How would the fire-engine and the ambulance pass? What about the residents of the area who DO NOT WANT to F***ING PRAY ALL NIGHT and just want to sleep?

Why are helmets not compulsory for the Sikhs? The turban is their problem - they need to figure out how to accommodate the two. It’s not the government’s job to relax rules to accommodate religion.

The season of Ramadan is one another frustrating time, especially if you are out in the evening. Why are these people praying on the road? If the mosque is packed, go home and pray you freak. Again, what if an ambulance needs to pass?

Why do we still have the Islamic law? Why should a religion specific law be allowed to exist in this country? Why can a Muslim man marry 4 times when our constitution forbids polygamy?

Why do we allow places of worship that say “Hindus only” or “Muslims only”? Why do we allow religion specific quotas in certain universities?

Ironically, our symbol of Law is Themis - the ancient Greek Goddess of Justice

In the court of law, why am I asked to swear against the Bible, the Quran, the Gita, or the Guru Granth Sahib at the witness box? What does religion have to do with the judicial system, or even truth? Is lying in court only a crime if the oath of was made against a religious text?

Guys and gals, I’m not an iconoclast. I do dislike organized religions, but I have no problem with the people following them as long as they stay in the limits of common sense. E.g, I have no problems with people praying all night in a stadium. That doesn’t harm anyone. But I have a problem with people praying in the middle of the road. It is a safety hazard. If people do that, they should be jailed/fined.

The foundation of a modern democratic society is an insurmountable rule of law that is common and equal for everyone. Unfortunately, our country has not been able to get that right. Religion is still paramount here. Nobody questions, and nobody complains. Why? Why don’t we question this?  Maybe we like it this this way - following religion over following the law. And why shouldn’t we? The consequences of erring are insignificant, it gives us a false sense of righteousness, and gives us a metric to prove that we are better than others - all of which an equal society with a common rule of law does not allow.

Dear Mr Muthalik

On behalf of all Indians who are proud of their culture, I hereby offer you my heartfelt thanks for preserving the dignity of our culture that has slowly but surely been erorded by the pollution of western ideas.

Valentine’s day is a poison that mustn’t be allowed to kill the morals of our society. People believe you are being an orthodox extremist pig by opposing the day. I am a youth of the contemporary Indian society and I tell you sir that you’re not an orthodox extremist. I myself find Valentine’s day highly vulgar - roses, teddies, and heart shaped balloons are the epitome of sleaze. God save our souls from such bad influence.

I totally agree with your stand that dating is not in our culture. I fully support your move to marry off any couple found cozying up on Valentine’s Day. The youth of today needs to look at the love stories of our culture and mythology and not the west. The greatest love story of our culture is that of Lord Krishna and Radha. They should use that as an example. Lord Krishna and Radhaji never dated, did they? They never held hands in a garden or sang love songs! I’m 100% sure Radhaji and Lord Krishna married the moment they fell in love, which was when they just got out of their strollers. Look at the kids of today - want to date, sing love songs, sigh!

Some people have accused your people of hippocrisy and simple sexual frustration. They say your Ram Sene members care little about the Indian culture and want to disrupt Valentine’s day just because they cannot get a girlfriend themselves. I disagree sir. Your guys may have missed the last stage of human evolution, but I can see the passion for Indian culture in their eyes. So what if they smoke and throw bidi/cigarette butts on the road or destroy the country’s property. They never claimed they loved India, did they? They are simply preserving the culture. Manners and respect for public property is definitely not a part of culture.

I’m going to keep this letter short sir. English is a western language and so I guess you won’t be able to understand a long letter. I’ll end with just a simple request on behalf of all the well wishers of Indian culture.

Valentine’s Day is just one of the many western products that have influenced our culture. Hitting it alone is not enough sir. We need to campaign against other products too. You seem to be my only hope.

I request you to campaign against cricket, cinema, english, computers, phones, electricity, automobiles, non-ayurvedic treatments like smallpox vaccine, and even democracy. All these western influences have totally messed up our people and diluted the Indian culture. 

Sir, we need to take the fight to the next level and remove ALL, I repeat, ALL the western influences from our culture. Then we can live our dream of an ideal India - an India ruled by a king with a well organized caste system; an India where women have to burn themselves alive on the funeral pyre of her husband, her rightful end; an India where there is no electricity; an India where people ride bullocks and horses only; an India where millions of people die of infections, smallpox, and polio.

Together we can make it happen sir. Let me know how I can help.

With love regards

Nitesh

Image source: The Hindu (link)